Godzilla's Bed

That's what I moved today.

It nearly claimed two of us.  Under normal circumstances one might think that a queen sized bed with no mattress or box spring, disassembled into headboard and footboard wouldn't be much of a problem to move.  After all, we've been moving these sorts of things for about a decade.  Today was a first though.  I witnessed and moved the heaviest bed on the planet.  Compared to this thing, a Volkswagen would have been a breeze.

The four posts were about the thickness of the average telephone pole and were too tall to go through the door.  This meant the whole thing had to be turned on its side and scootched out the door.  We couldn't hold it up by the posts, since they were so long and had carved areas that were narrow.  This would have surely  caused the posts to snap off under their own weight.  In the end we used slings and some rather contorted methods of support.  As my lumbar region creaked and groaned I wondered to myself between short gasps of breath, why anyone would need a bed of such massive proportions.  If Atlas needed a bed for a nocturnal romp with Mrs. Atlas, this one would have done nicely.  But the owners were normal human beings.  If any part of it fell on the occupant(s) during the night, death would surely result instantly.

As the hulking monstrosity inched its way toward the front door, I digressed.  What a waste using four entire trees for a bed whose only purpose is to adorn the mattress.    Worse yet, it wasn't even pretty.  The style was a grotesque combination of Eastlake Victorian meets Native American Totem Pole.  Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to manufacture it and even then I'm sure several designers had to give it the thumbs up before it actually went into production.  From there, retailers had to like it enough to order it and consumers had to go bat shit over it enough to buy it.  I'm afraid to know what it cost new.  In any case, there must be a lot of people that think it is attractive.  Then again, lots of things are attractive at 1:45 AM in a dive bar according to the patrons.

This is how far we've come.  Are people actually proud to show other people this sort of thing?  "I don't mean to boast, but this bed resulted in a lumber shortage that affected three states.  Pretty cool, huh?"  No.

It's a bed.

Follow Up:  Apparently someone liked it enough to shell out several hundred dollars for it and then drag it out of the gallery.  Oh.....and for what it's worth, I'm an idiot.  When we set up the bed in the gallery, I told the colorful story of its transport to one of our longtime "ringmen."  His immediate response was "Why didn't you just unscrew the tall posts from the headboard and footboard?"  I told him I didn't see any way to remove them since the junction where the posts met the headboard and footboard were solid.  I mentioned I'd be happy for him to prove me wrong.  Well, he did....in about 45 seconds.  Six inches above the solid junction, the posts unscrewed.  Just call me "mud."  And to think of all those expletives I wasted...

Now this would have been far more entertaining to move.