A Gift Certificate to a Parent's Worst Nightmare

"Dad...can we go to Toys R Us today so I can use my gift certificate?"  My daughter's birthday was this past Saturday.  It was a present for her ninth..  A "choose your own gift" present.   I knew what we were in for.  

Things had changed significantly since I was her age.  Most toy stores weren't much bigger than a gas station convenience store.  More often than not, the toy section at the local department store was where we got to choose our prize...on ultra-rare occasions.  That section was typically one side of half an aisle, the other side  typically had things like paper plates or charcoal for our barbecue.  We didn't have much choice.  That was a good thing.  Today, shopping for toys with the recipient is like stepping into a swamp full of crocodiles.  The whole idea is emerge with minimal damage.

I graduated from college as a marketing major.  I own my own business and have extensively studied the many facets of a discipline that exists solely to encourage people to buy things.  One of the more sinister sides of marketing involves the promoting of products to children.  Young children are sponges, their still-soft craniums easily penetrated by repeated brand-building messages.  They are defenseless in the shadow of marketing experts who have done everything shy of attaching a bunch of electrodes to a toddler while he or she is bounding down the aisles of a toy store.

If too much choice can paralyze adults, imagine what it can do to children.  I knew this wasn't going to be a short visit.  The whole thing was further exacerbated by the fact that there was practically nothing in the building that either I or her mom would approve of.  As far as we were concerned most of it was overpriced plastic junk that would end up unused in a few days.  Rather than fight every choice she made, I felt it would be prudent to simply allow her to choose anything she wanted, as long as the item and the batteries it required were covered by the value of the gift card.  While the unknown end result scared me, it would enable her to see, once again, that the toy typically isn't as fun as it looks.

I cast her off to choose and decided to do my own perusing to see what had become of the toy market.  Frankly, I was shocked.  So much so that I couldn't help but break out my phone to snap pictures...lots of them.  Our daughter took 1 3/4 hours to choose a $25 toy.  In that time, I confirmed my initial suspicions that there is little, if anything of any good for a child at the Toys R Us.

Below is my photo-by-photo assessment...

Above is the Hot Wheels AISLE.  I had a bunch of these as a kid and didn't realize that they now required one whole row to contain them.  To build a full collection including accessories would probably require 30 year financing.  I've been in houses that contain about 1/2 of what is here.  It isn't pretty.

 

 

Some time ago, my daughter had a Nintendo DS.  We made her trade it in for her iPod Touch.  We feel that one important lesson for kids is to learn that you can't have everything and that sometimes getting what you want requires a sacrifice.  Above is the accessory section for the Nintendo.  Cases, straps, stickers and other assorted expensive "bling".

I was astonished to discover that most of this aisle was dedicated only to Avatar figurines.  I suspect the products were created to sell the movie and not the other way around.  Either way, this is a prime example of how the movie fantasies are difficult to separate from the products.

Apparently, toy stores now have a car lot.  The only thing missing was a well dressed salesman chain smoking near the door at the ready to discuss what it would take to "get the deal done today."

Way to go!  Lets encourage our kids to drive gas guzzling Escalades.  Not only that...throw in a  thumping sound system so you can be heard from a block away.  I give points for the "Hybrid" sticker though.

Talk about absolutely milking a brand for everything its worth.  This is the "Hello Kitty" section.  I need to figure out who the parent company is so I can buy their stock. 

Apparently someone was smoking crack when they came out with this one.  Its a brush that....get this....doubles as a microphone.  Note the sale sticker.  Buy two and get one free.  I wouldn't even buy one.  Scratch that....I wouldn't take one if you gave it to me.

By this point I was beginning to be entertained by all this product insanity.  My marketing mind silently asking..."What the hell were they thinking...?"

Here's my question.  At what point do you stop giving your kids cute things like Tickle-Me-Elmo and start buying them things like this? 

Umm...OK.  I bet you can hear the wheels turning in my mind.

Let's compare:

Electronic dog - 200 Bucks

Live dog - Free

Electronic dog doesn't need food and won't crap on the carpet or chew on the chair legs.

Live dog doesn't need $20 worth of batteries every few hours.

Tough choice.

Oh yes.  The ubiquitous Bratz - which for some reason needs to be spelled incorrectly.  Nothing like teaching our kids that it is great to be an overindulged, make up crusted...brat.  Now there's one boy brat.  He's the bad boy...probably had all the girl bratz behind the dumpster already.

This kitchen has more gadgetry than my real kitchen.  I want  a place to charge the cell phone next to my sink.  Oh and columns...must have architectural columns.

Next to that kitchen were the lower grade kitchens...for mommies and daddies that don't make enough money to afford a kitchen your tyke friends would be proud of.  "But Courtney has an INDUCTION range..."

Lets play "Who can be fatter!!!!

Get started on your Goth.  Skeleton earrings and black nail polish.

I couldn't pronounce any of the ingredients.  What are the chances its Organic?

Yayyyy.  I can make shitty pizza and play video games for eleven seconds per token.

One hour in....she wandered the aisles, eyes glazed over, mumbling "Must be a good little consumer...yes, I must."

 

I couldn't figure out what you did with these.  It makes spots.  Well, so does my cat if we don't let her out.  But the box sure is pretty.

I have no appropriate words for this one.   It defies description.

The teeth are embossed with the four aces from a deck of playing cards.  Role models anyone?

Get your product on the baby.  Waste no time.

Artificial cheddar crackers with artificial color and flavor.  You'll look like the package if you eat enough of them.

I'm in Toys R Us.  This is in the baby section.

What?  Even Yahtzee isn't immune to being dressed up and sold as something different.

Welcome to the world of product line extensions.  The whole purpose of this is to get more shelf space and ensure that you won't buy just one Monopoly game, but three or four.  I couldn't find regular Monopoly here.  I looked for ten minutes, but I did find Dog-opoly on the lower shelf.  So much for the classics.

I'm 44 and I'm not even really sure....They look good, but I CAN'T eat them.  Give this to a 2 year old!

Yes, that's right.  1,007 pieces.  After a play or two, 945 pieces.  And yes, $109.  

I've just gotta get her through a few more years.  

Some other observations....I turned over about 100 random items, only one was made in the USA and one was made in Mexico.  The rest?  You guessed it - China.  Even the September 11th special commemorative fire engine with lights and sounds was made in China.  Probably by kids not much older than those walking around the store.  It's too much.  It shouldn't be this way. 

In the end, my daughter chose a radio controlled car.  I suppose it could have been worse.  It took 45 minutes to get it out of the package.  The convoluted process required tools including a Phillips screwdriver to remove the locking flanges from the styrofoam base to free the car from its silvery mounting.  The packaging weighed twice as much as the car and none of it was recyclable.  Oh well.  She's been playing with it for one day.  I'll report on when she stops.